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Retired (Old Hackers never die, they just upload their consciousness....)
Raine: Revered Founder and Headgear Princess (Retired) BIO: Raine is a simple woman with simple pleasures. Weeknights, after a long day of clipping Pomeranians' toenails, she enjoys communing with nature via a good tussle in the mud with a spry pig. Her hobbies include classifying insects and trolling the newsgroups in search of 'action'. Maria Centrale: Benevolent Despot (Retired) BIO: When Maria came to us with the warped idea for an Official Frohike Fruit, I protested. However, she convinced me of something my psychiatrist had yet to accomplish (not for lack of trying): There is, indeed, an ideal category of produce for Frohike. It's the Kumquat, Maria argued passionately, for three critical reasons: 1) One can refer to Frohike's 'kumquats', and not necessarily be referencing anything obscene. 2) Kumquat Cobbler alliterates beautifully. 3) Say the word to yourself repeatedly. Kumquat. Kumquat. Kumquat. It's fun, it's silly, it's inappropriately sexual. Also, if one thinks really hard, one can imagine it wearing a vest. Well, with logic like that, how could I win? Besides, after the last few new members to the FLO, I guess I was a bit exhausted... gizzie: Enigma BIO: I have no idea where gizzie came from, frankly. Tuesday she wasn't here, Wednesday at two she was parked on the sofa making acidic comments about our preference for vinyl over CD. When firmly threatened, she admitted the following: "I am "gizzie", (With a small "g" because I am a clone of the great Priestess Gizabella, and only Originals capitalize their names). I was sent here from the planet Gizatron to collect breeding specimens. My original goal was DD, as we were interested in pouty lips, quick wit, and killer glutes...but I have now also targeted The Three. To blend more freely with Earthlings, I have taken an Earth Partner, reside with large canines and talking avians, and slice baloney for compensatable currency." We just backed away slowly after that, trying not to make eye contact or any sudden moves. Erin: Keeper of the Sacred Converter (a modestly-priced marvel designed and built by the Frohike Electronics Corporation) BIO: So I, Reade, was flipping back and forth on the FLO TVs the other night, watching covert surveillance tapes of the Jell-O tubs, ensuring that our priso..er, -I mean "guest" Walter wasn't getting too tired, when suddenly the screen went blank and the message..."Erin wants to join the FLO...she really loves Frohike"... popped up. On every single channel. Even the All Unusual Suspects, All the Time, station. The phone rang and a voice said..."if you want control of your converter...add Erin to the members list...and give her a good title...oh yeah...and she can get you free HBO". Well being a sucker for a good made-for-TV-Movie, I called Maria and Raine to the TV/MultiMedia Lounge. They agreed we needed Erin. She was just deviant enough for our liking. And she came with her own kevlar tool belt. Pilgrim: Cruise Director, Associate Director of Snacks & Drink Mixes BIO: Pilgrim originally contacted us from his (and this is a verbatim quote) "clamshell terminal located in an undisclosed location deep in Tel Aviv". We have never been able to verify this, as oddly most of his email seems to originate, as far as we can tell, from an AOL account in Fort Wayne, New Jersey. We assume that this is but a flawless cover, and that his technological abilities are so advanced that he has thwarted even our sophisticated tracking attempts. (AOL is famous for this.) Pilgrim needs our resources as he has exhausted his information network (CNN, BBC, Pravda, Weekly World News) and requires support, logistics, and people to make fun of him. Hey, we're here to help. MaddyF: Cardshark BIO: Maddy joins us from her previous position behind the counter at the Radio Shack on K street in Georgetown (between Pep Boys and the Dunkin' Donuts). We were down there last weekend gazing lustfully at the oh-so-easily-adapted infra-red transmitters and parabolic antannae, when Maddy pegged Martha expertly in the back of the head with an expired "AAA" battery. Having gotten her attenion, Maddy must have whispered *something* urgent into her ear, because before we could say "kevlar", Martha had stuffed her into the trunk of our ancient (but cheap) Peugeot 504 station wagon (motto: "Never too old to be sent to the third world and recycled into a bush taxi") and whisked to the home office. We're slowly bonding with her, as she plays a mean game of Go Fish, and has tremendous soldering ability. Deb... or whatever: Imposter BIO: The FLO first met Deb at the Seattle Honorary Emergency Elliptical Skydiving and Hotelier convention (SHEESH for short) in February. Unbeknownst to Maria, Pilgrim, Martha and Raine, Deb was the only person at the skydiving camp that wasn’t really a member of SHEESH at all (besides us). Unfortunately, we didn’t realize this until we were at 10, 000 feet. Maria and Pilgrim both were kicked-er... jumped *voluntarily* before Martha and Raine were slated to go. Despite Deb's meddling with the chutes, Martha, dragging Deb by her ear, when she jumped, managed to reach Pilgrim and Maria and save them both singlehandedly from certain death. (I guess Raine missed that part, as she was filing a broken fingernail.) Everything turned out fine in the end, except for an unfortunate “accident” involving Deb’s head and a steel traffic sign on the way back to the hotel. Returning to the home office, we resolved our grudges during a three day bender, in which Deb revealed that she was, in fact, Pilgrim’s love child. Pilgrim, muttering something about “silencing” and “conspiracy", seemed to take the news pretty well, and Deb’s been a member of the FLO ever since, although she doesn’t seem to talk much anymore… Norville Barnes: Commander (Covert Operations) and Pastry Chef BIO: We knew someone (or something) was coming when our perimeter alarms sounded, but Norville still managed to surf on past our firewalls, dodge our SuperSoakers and show up at our back door. A true giant among us techno-weenies, Norville is a man of discriminating taste, preferring the Little Guy's sense of humor and fashion sense over that of the Narc and Hippe factions of the Lone Gunmen. We are particularly fond of Norville, as he cuts quite the dashing figure in his blue flannel pjs with the kevlar vest. Well, that and the fact that as he is a mere 6'11, we no longer have to worry about getting ammo down from the high shelves. Angie: Animal Control Officer BIO: Angie applied to the FLO early last month. Once before the FLO admissions committee, she was asked "probing" questions of an admittedly "sensitive" nature (sometimes we suspect that certain of the group enjoy this portion a little *too* much), then "tested" to verify her answers. Unlike most of our candidates (who have a distinct tendency to pull out hidden weapons and threaten us), Angie was, throughout the - er, "interview process", very courteous. She even persisted in saying "please", and "thank you" as we strapped her into the FLO jacuzzi-and-dunking-stool. She hummed "We've Only Just Begun" as we applied the electric shock therapy, sending several onlookers to seek therapy themselves…Finally, after twenty consecutive hours of the FLO's best tort-ahem, "interogation" techniques, she seemed cheerful, and we had to admit we were beat. The committee is still debating if Angie is, strictly speaking, cynical enough to be a member, but we've decided to keep her around in the interests of science, anyway. Randall: Minister of Information (on special assignment): "He who is in charge of watching The Tast-uh, a certain FBI agent." BIO: Randall noted that he needed no bio because "I just am..." He started getting a strange, glazed look in his eyes while saying something about "buying some 'conditioner for color-treated hair' for his 'date next Friday'", and I decided that maybe I had some errands to run. Right then. Turnons: Small women packing heat. Turnoffs: Pesky male FBI agents who keep "getting in the way". Amy: Minister of, uh, Information Collection: "She who keeps the other Gunmen in line." (For security reasons, Amy's exact duties could not be revealed here, but she tells me that they involve Byers, Langly, a tub of Crisco and a length of telephone cord. She declined to let me stay, but promised prompt videotape...) Turnons: Jittery hackers, facial hair Turnoffs: Security guards who kick her off pay phones. (Don't ask me...) BIO: Again, for security reasons, Amy refused to release specifics, no matter how gratuitous they might be. Asiram: Minister of Purity, uh, *Quality* Control: "Wouldn't you like to know." The sixth and most mysterious member of the FLO, Asiram appeared on my doorstep one day last year, soaked, shivering, and holding an arm. Politely, I refrained from asking, and return for the shelter, Asiram told me that I had a sixth. Curiously, I inquired what, exactly, the duties of the 'Control' person would be. In answer, I got a refrigerated arm waved in my face. After that, I learned that although I don't really have any idea, I probably don't want to have one, either. C'est la vie... BIO: Uh, I think maybe you should ask for yourself. No offense. Juli: Assistant Director-General of Library Services (and Bean Dip) BIO: Juli wandered on the scene late one evening while the members were gathered playing Mulder pinata and drinking J&B. Things had gotten, admittedly, a little rowdy, and I guess maybe she had a problem with our good-natured game of "pin the tail on the candidate member". Before the stunned FLO people could say "librarian", we were looking down the barrel of an Uzi, behind which was one pissed-off researcher. We voted, albeit a bit hastily, and Juli was made a member in good standing. Rubbing one of her many small puncture wounds, she stated that her duties were none of our damn business. We agreed. Turnons: Small men with a firm grasp of technology. Turnoffs: People who pry into her dislikes. Jaina: Minister of Obscure In-Jokes and Odd References: BIO: Jaina
is a bit of a strange one, and believe me, in this particular crowd
that's really saying something. I guess I should practice that
whole inconvenient 'honesty' thing, and say that I actually met her
while, uh, visiting, a lovely institution which shall
remain nameless. As a new visitor I noticed
that the other 'clients' seemed to enjoy picking on her. Their
favorite prank involved sneaking up behind the chair that she was
passed out in at the time and making threats/promises/cajoling in
strange voices. All very counter-productive,
especially given the meds they had her on. But I digress...Anyway,
I took her under my wing (actually, she was in the same
wing), and we've been friends ever since. So what if she likes
to twitch and drool a little, talk to herself occasionally?
Live and let live, I say. Turnons: On-time meds, or (paradoxically) no meds at all. The large pink pills especially. Turnoffs: Those voices. Those. No, those. Lywendre: Good Will Ambassador: "Heeellloooo, pretty lady." BIO: Being named after a Celtic Goddess would necessarily make one a little mysterious. Our much-awaited tenth member certainly is that, so I can't go into much detail about her history (So what else is new, right? I'm starting to think that maybe I'm attracting the suspicious for some reason...). However, she did give me a few details about herself. I had to swear not to repeat them, but hey, it's not like anybody ever *reads* this, right? Turnons: Men in boots who don't mind a little 'funky poaching', black leather. Turnoffs: The perpetually perceptionally constipated. Jaaq and John (the Beldin twins): Comfort Engineers Well, I knew it would be confusing letting two members that I can't tell apart join the FLO. Silly me, though, I just *had* to have that extra candidate... Like most of our others, the twins arrived with a little, uh, excess baggage. More specifically, it turns out that one of the twins is a raving homicidal maniac. This, in itself, might not be such a huge problem if we could only tell the two apart. Unfortunately, though, no one can. To add to the difficulty, the twin that *isn't* creeping into member's homes with an axe remains (understandably) silent. Oh well, I guess we'll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, though, I'm sleeping with my dresser in front of the door and the nightlight on... Turnons: Friendly organizations that take in both twins. Turnoffs: Members of aforementioned organization who lock their doors at night. Eric: The Conspiracy Muchacho BIO: We found Eric in the local Safeway, mesmerized by the frozen Mrs. Smith's pie display. A particularly nervous individual, he didn't respond well to Maria's attempts to glove his frostbitten hands. Twitching uncontrollably, he accidentally sprayed the frozen dessert aisle with automatic gunfire. Amy, quite used to this kind of reaction, was able to disarm him and knock him out with a frozen cannoli before innocent passersby were injured. While he was out, mumbling something about a "secret air base" in "Spain", we transported him to the FLO-bunker-and coffee-shop. Upon regaining consciousness, Eric was overcome with gratitude, and begged to become our 13th member. While initially hesitant, we were persuaded by 1) his uncanny ability to translate "The Tasty One" and "She's hot!" into Spanish, and 2) The fourteenth (we're guessing here) tequila shot... E. V. Tooms Knight: Caterer BIO: Tooms showed up at our administrative closet - er, "suite" one afternoon with a briefcase full of pyramid-scheme propaganda, six bucks in change and the password to the Bell Mobility billing server. We didn't even try to resist the ambrosial combination of Amway and free cellular calls. <Not to mention the six bucks. We're a non-profit.> While we have been unable to determine the gender of our newest member (despite strenuous attempts by Jaina and both Beldin twins), we are fairly confident about genus and species. And really, we've decided to just leave it at that. Jezebel: Target Pigeon ("Pull!") BIO: Our newest and most *friendly* FLO person, Jezebel, would prefer that we did not release any of her sordid life history previous to joining the organization. It’s just too bad that she signed that disclosure agreement, now, isn’t it? Sad, really. At the time, she thought she was getting such a good deal on a used bush taxi... Oh well, Jez…Live and learn, right? However, we’ll let you settle in for a little while before we worry about any of that (or for the pictures to develop, whichever comes first). So, just relax and get comfortable. Don’t mind the rifles on the rooftop opposite. Those little red dots on your forehead are nothing, really. Mmmmhmmmm….Yes….Hold verrrry still… Vertigo: Linen Closet Tyrant BIO: Vertigo, having made the unfortunate mistake of being (gasp) related to another of our twisted little club, stopped by one day to chat it up with his sister's new friends. Maria was having one of her "bouts" that day (and you did not hear this from me), so naturally enough he ended up pinned to the ceiling tile with many small knives in his "Frohike for Banana Republic Dictator" T-shirt. It took awhile for the rest of us to notice the yelling and thumping over the XF Movie Soundtrack, which we were dechipering for clues as to our next plan of attack (read: spinning until we became dizzy, pointing at a map, and yelling "ah-hah!"). When we did, though, we nicely enough placed him in the closet, where he could get some rest, and where he remains even now. Cammy: Defense Coordinator BIO: Cammy came to us, trembling and muttering something about "mountains" in "Dallas" and "It's WRONG, I tell you, WRONG!". We plied her with J&B and played back the subliminal messages found on the latest John Tesh album (...entertainment tonight is real journalism... I don't use mousse, really... I am *not* a distant relative of the Putterman family, regardless of what Scott Adams thinks...), which seemed to calm her slightly. Disarming her was a bit of a chore, as she was heavily equipped with explosives, light armaments and a Louisville slugger ("for those days I feel like getting back to my roots."). Anyway, she's here now. Meg-Mulder: Homeless Coordinator and Grenadine Correspondent BIO: So... there we were on tactical maneuvers, monitoring the pulse of the sordid underbelly of American Government (read: cruising the strip bars and brothels) when we found her. She caught our attention when she muttered 'Ritalin' 'Red dye #40' 'Olestra' 'Conspiracy' and, bewilderingly 'death to gnomes', under her breath. Being the good Samaritans that we are, we figured we'd take her in, clean her up and ... Hey! One less homeless person off the street, right? WRONG! She refused to get in the shower and yelled, "Trans-Gendered MutantMickeyMouse... ROSWELL!! ROSWELL!! They're HERE! The Talking gnomes are HERE!!" Er, well. We decided not to press the issue. She claims that she doesn't really feel comfortable chitchatting in our HQ, but rather likes the idea of hanging out in the shrubbery, catching the occasional passerby for a light snack, and glaring balefully at our tasteful collection of garden gnomes while muttering. Allie: Minimalist BIO: Allie came to our attention through our official Lounge Act, Reade, who was rehearsing her Elvis impersonation for open mike night at the FLO bunker-and-coffee-shop. I guess at the time she wasn't aware this was Allie's normal scheduled slot, and thus bore absolutely no responsibility for the casualties involved in the fiasco that followed. Oh well...We would never let it be said that the FLO is an org to hold a grudge. Once Allie is released from custody, we plan to have a nice "position" waiting for her. Really. We swear. Llamma: Media Coordinator BIO: Llama claims that the FLO came to her one day in a vision. Actually, the truth is that in the midst of an all-important satellite patching routine, something went horribly wrong, and Loa transmitted a top-secret videotape that was *supposed* to have been destroyed (read:trip to unstable tropical paradise by high-ranking member of FLO, hotel bug sweeper on the fritz, hours of recorded and excruciatingly-detailed activity) directly into 13 of the 14 large screen TVs that Llama was sitting in front of, transfixed. When the team arrived, she was yelling utter nonsense about "Watership Down", "A Clockwork Orange", and something else like, "Oh Deah Gott! They've got it all backwards!!!". Seeing such genius at work, we realized at once that Llama deserved a place with us. That, and certain members of the org wanted to have...words with her... Peargod: Translation Officer BIO: Daniel arrived with a slew of other applicants for the new opening created in Covert Ops after the messy and unfortunate "termination" (long story) of one of our main operatives. Strangely, the line at the front door had disappeared within a few moments of his arrival, and when Vertigo opened the door, Daniel was the only one remaining. Vertigo correctly took this as a good sign and led him back to the firing range where Maria and Raine were waiting. Once there, he eschewed the usual tests and, grinning, placed a small, red Bosc pear on Vertigo's head. He then proceeded to shoot the unsuspecting fruit into numerous small particles (Ed. Note: in light of V's twitching and jumping, this was really quite an accomplishment), accompanied by the delighted clapping of management. He got the job. We suppose Vertigo will recover his hearing...Eventually. Too bad about our non-existent health-care benefits, though. Nicole: Girl Friday and Poet Laureate BIO: In lieu of a bio, we have, instead, noted down one of Nicole's more coherent ramblings. An Ode to
Frohike Sally: Spiritual Advisor BIO: Sally came to us after hearing of our covert activities, which is an entire problem of it's own, and I swear to god, Pilgrim, if you don't stop talking to the Star, I will shoot you myself. But I digress... Having already patterned her own paramilitary activities after The Short One, she seemed perfect to fill the long-empty position of our non-biased FLO Spiritual Advisor and Chaperone of Virgin Members (Ed. Note: the latter position is largely ceremonial.). Let us all raise our hands and chant along with our new Resident Priestess to make her feel right at home: "Weirdness. Weirdness. Weirdness...." Taryn: Garrote Specialist and Donut Mistress-in-Training Frankly, when those of us here in FLO admissions first met Taryn, we couldn't stand her. I mean, who really likes a tall, testy woman in a catsuit prone to hurling small and deadly throwing knives at the requisite recon-and-donut collection team (...they swear, they were only trying to be *friendly*...), anyway? Okay, okay....The majority of our male members, apparently...*sigh*...Despite the all-too-frequent emergency room visits and outpatient/elective surgeries involved. Those of us here in management finally and grudgingly came to admire Taryn as a security leak to put Mata Hari to shame (read: we couldn't take "care" of her without sacrificing body parts we would probably rather keep), mopped up what was left of our glazed and creme-filled breakfast food, and recruited her into the org. For now. FiverBlue: Girl Wonder The Teen Tornado we know as Fiver started out, or so Interpol says, as a child pickpocket in Marrakesh, known on the street as "Field Marshall Bernard Montgomery". She was "rescued" by an elderly Mormon missionary who brought her to the US. However, he soon lost the faith (Ed. note: This was in no way, shepe, or form due to Fiver. We mean it. You sicko...) and sold her to a troupe of travelling acrobats for coffee money. She escaped, and Raine, Maria and Pilgrim discovered her one day in the backyard of FLO HQ, stalking, jumping upon and devouring starlings. Recognizing talent (and a healthy appitite), they brought her in, and made her Pilgrim's ward. She lives with Pilgrim part-time in Stately Pilgrim Manor, where they operate under the personas of Billionaire Playboy Bruce Pilgrim, and his ward, young and unusually effeminate Dick Fiver. Otherwise, she can be found wandering HQ in footie jammies carrying a big yummy lollipop (A gift from The Fro-Man himself. We know not why and Fiver ain't tellin.) and a Czech Skorpian Machine Pistol chambered in .38 Hollowpoint with quick release laser-sights and a custom pachmar grip. She is loved by one and all. Just don't call her Sweetheart. Kate: Chief Interrogation Officer BIO: We don't know where Kate came from. Stop prodding...I said we don't know, already...
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